the moment your friend drunkenly explains that there is no point in attempting when you already know outcome— LIFE CHANGING. 

heart racing, eyes closing. mouth opening, tongues touching. nerves rising, heavy breathing. lean up against me, please stay the night. make me think about you, how good it all felt, feels. have me fall for you.

more kissing, more touching. teeth biting, lips sucking. hands wander, you’re nervous. laugh a little, never too serious. wake up to me and my pillows, under my sheets, don’t leave before coffee. constantly on your mind, how good it all felt, feels. falling for me falling for you.

spend some time together, make time for each other. say what’s on your minds, enjoy the taste it leaves in your mouth. get comfortable with me, next to me, on me, in me. make the first move because i’ve already done it. 

never professional, tell me everything. music, movies, all shared, have me thinking of you while you’re thinking of me. no secrets, never enough said, laughs, calls, moments, kisses. constantly remind me of how good it all fucking was, felt, is— although i haven’t forgotten.

skin touching, fingers playing. necks kissed, toes curling. more licking, keep biting. i’m ready, done waiting.

it’s that time again where we throw up our hands and praise the sun— summer time.

it’s that time again where most of us have little obligations, besides a summer job, and enjoy the fact that the entire week can be considered a weekend. it’s that time again where new romances start or where old ones can re-spark. 

it’s that time again where we are one year closer to fulfilling something— what exactly that something is, is completely individualistic. 

i think it’s around this time where we are not only thanking the seasons that school is out, but it’s also the time that some of us are left confused on what the fuck to do next. maybe it’s the year that you realize what your current situation is, is not it. this is not what you’re supposed to be doing. maybe it’s the year that you realize you fucking found it, and if this sounds familiar, congratulations. 

i think it’s difficult to rationalize with the quickness of time and lack of success for most of us— that we seem to be putting in so much effort and rushed into making many of what seem irrational decisions for what appears to be nothing. at least until, ‘we  make it.’ or graduate. or neither. 

lately, self-fufillment has been my main focus. really paying attention to the needs and goals and actions that make one genuinely happy, or at least feel some type of fulfillment— that this is what you were meant or suppose to be doing, for that exact moment. i guess the problem is, our generation is so focused on the next few years that our current state of mind doens’t really matter.. as long as we can get by with a decent GPA and finish with a diploma in our hands, who cares?

but why have we come to this? why have we ignored the present for the unreliable future? why have we put such a stress on something that isn’t absolutely positive? 

i guess you can easily make the assumption that i am the student that was previously mentioned, that is left confused. that is left with thinking that this isn’t made for me. that there is more to life than sitting in a box and taking notes and regurgitating the appropriate response on a paper— that most students cheat on anyways. 

i guess you can say, i’m irrational. that i’m NOT thinking about my future. maybe. but maybe i’m preparing myself for something that hasn’t been written down and socially conformed to. maybe i’m doing something that IS different than you. maybe.

so where does this leave off? this leaves me in my situation and you in yours. just like we were from the beginning… which is the point of all of this. regardless of how we think about ‘making it’ or success, we all have our own personal way of achieving this. we all have our ‘plans.’ so, although we already know people go about it differently, why are we so judgmental of each other? why have we decided to make the differentiation between college graduates and working persons, especially when at the end of the day, we all doing the exact damn thing. we are all just trying to keep something alive. 

so the sun is shining, the beaches are crowded, and the clothes are getting minimal. you’ve worked hard and your finals are done. regardless of where you are, enjoy it. listen to your heart and pay attention to your thoughts. think rationally but personally. stand up for what you want and don’t allow someone to tell you that you failed. because your gpa will not always matter, the final that you bombed will not define you as a person, and success is defined in too many ways it makes love appear easy.

so while you are pounding some beers, laughing with your friends (both the collegiate ones and liberal individualist ones), make the moments count. realize that while you may be one year closer, this year will never happen again. don’t think about the future for a little while and maybe you’ll realize what the present has to actually offer— you never know what altering way it can have on that ‘pre-notioned future’ of yours. 

forward, rewind, replay. the sun is shining through this glass door at an incredible speed. teasing me. laughing at me.

type, type, delete, think. these sentences never came so easy. this room has never been this quiet. 

hello, hello, goodbye, goodnight. time is racing against me. slow and steady never won.

i love you, i love you, yet i’ll never answer your calls. leave me a message that will remind me not to forget about you.

sleep, sleep, dream, awake. tell me my eyes are still shut. 

colors and colors, spinning and moving. from the moment your eyes have snapped out of sleep and you can longer bear vision. counting the number, the thoughts, the endless tasks of today. go back to sleep. sleep. 

dreams and dreams, please rush back into my memory, because your existence is sustaining my own. to do, to-donts, thens, thans, and nows. the guiltiness of never wanting to get of bed, to uncover the cuddles, such a painless thought.

music and music, the melodies and voices. the words that you could have wished to have had, the lyrics you wish you could sing. play and play and play, and promise to never stop. the feeling of your heartstrings pulling, because truly, this song was made for you, your situation, your wordless emotions, and non-recpricoating lover. 

things and things, the fucking things that are everywhere. how i can never seem to find the thing i need when i need it. take these things and promise to throw them all away, because i never needed them anyways.

these nouns, these objects, these things, i never needed you anyways. 

i’ve fallen off, i’ve stopped, i’ve had absolutely nothing to say. my words don’t make sense or have either been said. and who wants to be redundant? i’ve been out of mind, i’ve been inside my mind. i’m probably losing it, slowly. but i guess that in itself is something to talk about; being speechless.

don’t think i’ve been mind blown or woo’ed, because i haven’t. i haven’t been dumbfounded nor come to a major realization, because those would lead to words, to sentences, to thoughts. i have nothing.

i’ve attempted writing and i have ‘saved drafts’ to prove it, but none of it has been casted outside their closet of secret, none of them have escaped the irrelevant folder we label as drafts. the folder we forget that stuff is hiding, waiting, dying. dry drafts, drafts dry. 

this is where my mind is at. this is the consistency at which it is moving. it’s not retaining nor releasing— unless it’s quotes from e.e. cummings or the occasional lyrics off the waka flaka and gucci cd. that’s about it.

i’ve started a new job, i have tests and projects due, i’ve been reading mass amounts, and listening to even more, yet nothing has stimulated enough thought in me to produce something worthy of landing on my un-read, irrelevant, blog— ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC. 

i’m going to go off the fact that i didn’t attend my phil/relig class not once this past week has something contributing to this, BUT who am i to make such assumptions. i’m not, you’re not, and that’s that. 

scramble, jamble, mumble, jumble.

WE LIVED OUR LIVES IN B L A C K 

misss you little one xxoo

you’re a human, i’m a human. you have a brain and so do i, so why is it so fucking difficult to understand each other? why are we constantly having to play the guessing game or decipher some type of underlining message, because we alll know there is one. why do we make it absolutely impossible to be honest and straight forward? 

maybe it’s because i’m a female. maybe it’s because i’m a hopeless romantic, who has read too many books and listens to too much music. maybe it’s because i’m a student who is constantly told to challenge the ‘truth’ and to constantly remember the process in which has lead to this proposition— physics. maybe it’s because i’m relentless in thinking that people WANT to mind fuck you. maybe, maybe, maybe. fuck maybe. 

growing up, especially as a girl, you are told to bite your tongue. but not only to your parents and teachers and elders, but to boys. that we shouldn’t chase boys, we shouldn’t initiate conversation, we should always remain unattainable, HARD TO GET. well what the fuck. times have changed, technology has evolved, and communication is no longer a man’s world. this whole world is no longer even that, so why do women have to keep the stigma that it is? why are we constantly still put down for saying what we want, for taking initiative, for making the first move?

honestly, guys need to step it the fuck up. i’m sorry. but i don’t expect much, i actually don’t expect anything, so this coming from me should be completely unanticipated. i don’t expect you to ask me first and at times, i don’t even expect you to pay. but i do expect you to follow through if you actually have the balls to ask and i do expect you to follow through with some type of conversation AFTER hanging out. regardless if you’re over it, if you’re not into it, or you have future plans of not wanting to speak to me again, take it easy. don’t be a douche bag. don’t be mean.

i get it, sometimes it’s over before it ever happened. but shit like this boggles my mind. the concept of being scrutinized for doing something that we both know you wanted but wouldn’t have the animosity to ask and then eventually being rejected for doing absolutely nothing wrong. BOGGLES MY MIND.

so hey, to alll the cool guys, weird guys, nerds, assholes, frat boys, smart boys, gym rats, hipsters, hardcore guys, be a fucking cool dude. be nice to girls. don’t be weird and don’t make it awkward. say what you want and let your girl do it too. let her make the first move without calling her eager or a slut. let her text you without calling her a clinger or annoying. send good night texts and follow up after spending the night in a her bed. don’t talk shit about a girl and don’t cheat on girls. don’t be mad when your girl beats you to the punch. don’t be mad when a girl fucking cares. WE LIKE YOU, that’s all. let us make conversation and get to know you. stop making our simple gestures, extreme. we like it when you call us, and talk to us, and we know you enjoy it too, so stop calling us names and making us feel like shit for what’s absolutely natural. 

be a man. ask her out and treat her nice, and if she does it first, don’t jump to saying she’s on your dick because at the end of the day, you wanted this just as badly.